1.) It is ok for a Man to cry
under the following circumstances:
- When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
- The moment Angelina Jolie starts
unbuttoning her blouse.
- After wrecking your boss' car.
- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The
- When she is using her teeth.
2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor
party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
3.) Unless he murdered someone in your
family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24
hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a
friend's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is
6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a
birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your
friend's birthday is strictly optional.
7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder
determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a
sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you
may never ask who's playing.
9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity
alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's
delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical
peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts.
11.) Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
12.) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever.
13.) If a Man's fly is down, that's his problem, you
didn't see anything.
14.) Women who claim they "love to watch sports"
must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game
and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively
dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or
the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you'd
better be talking about his choice of beer.
18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in
discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending
19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man
while lifting weights:
- Yeah, Baby, Push it!
- C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
- Another set and we can hit the showers!
20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you
are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.
For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need.
21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a
woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a
stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22.) The morning after you and a girl who was
formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that
you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again
before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Ice
Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
24.) When you are queried by a buddy's wife,
girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog
walker, you need not and should not provide any useful
information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny
his very existence.
25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar
by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot
is allowed to call 'BULLSHIT!'.
Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration
rate rises to 400 percent.
26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for
another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are
required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on
the classic 1-10 babe scale.
27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot
babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty.
Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex
with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your
28.) Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required
to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help
you move is beer.
30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his
31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to
fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead
only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare
excuses about joining the priesthood.
32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too
drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.
Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to
think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin.", then you may sit
back and enjoy.
33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song
in the car, you may not join him...too gay.
34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an
35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may
sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up
36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on
his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on
his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "FUCK OFF!" You are
absolved of your of responsibility.
37.) Never, EVER slap or smack another Man.
38.) A Man is never allowed to talk to his mother on the
phone while at a bar. This is especially true if said conversation is
preventing him from taking his shot during a game of pool.